The Engineer's Guide to Chaos
by Cha Oseye Tempest Thrain
Summary: a.k.a. The Monotony of Mutiny. Deep in the bowels of the starship Enterprise, far away from prying eyes and sensors, a restless crew gathers… Hess is back, and the Command Crew is in trouble.


**Disclaimer:** I own neither _Enterprise_, nor any of the characters from the show. This is for entertainment purposes only, I make no money from this.

**Credits:** Thanks to kate98 and gaianarchy for the beta, and for catching my missing words and assuring me that hilarity really does ensue.

**Dedication**: To Rinne, who keeps giving me gonzos. Gonzos are good. Hess likes gonzos.

**Author's Note**: The idea for this basically came to me, when I realised that _Enterprise_ has a rather... mutinous history. Oh, and for those of you who (a) have never read one of my Hess stories before or (b) have never heard of Terry Pratchett (whom I worship at the feet of), don't forget to check the footnotes. :D

* * *

Chapter One: _Again?_

_Deep in the bowels of the starship _Enterprise_, far away from prying eyes and sensors, a restless crew gathers…_

"Are you sure they can't tell what we're up to?" Crewman Lindsay Pierce looks around nervously. She's a newbie, clearly, because she actually thinks officers have a clue.(1) "I've heard Lieutenant Reed has cameras everywhere."

"We're fine," Crewman McDale assures her. "This is all their fault anyway."

I look at the assembled faces and know I can trust any one of them. Which is good, because what I'm about to tell them could get us sent to jail. Still, for some, this will be their first experience in how _Enterprise_ is really run. "Gentlemen, we have a situation on our hands. As you are well aware, for the past few weeks, the command crew has been behaving… shall we say… oddly."

The crowd mutters in agreement. 'Oddly' is one way to put it, 'completely whacked' is another. Not only have we deviated significantly from the course Starfleet originally laid out, but no one will tell us why, except to say that it's 'something special.' Needless to say, those words are not ones lower ranking crewpersons tend to find comforting.

"Pursuant to this, I have reason to believe that the captain and the rest of the senior officers are under some sort of alien influence."

"Again?" Crewman Bitten, my second-most-trusted ally(2) rubs his nose in an uncanny imitation of Commander Tucker, and sighs.

I don't want to say it, but somebody has to. "Given that fact, I see only one course before us. I know it's a lot to ask, but I'm afraid we may have to mutiny."

"_Again?_" A groan moves through the entire audience. They're right though… by now we should have a Standards and Practices manual for it. We have done it enough.

"How many times is this now?" Crewman Devon McDale starts counting on his fingers. "Three?"

"I thought it was four…" Someone in the back comments, "There was that time with the bug things, the time with the Orions, and…" the voice trails off for a moment, but not long enough. Crewman Karcy isn't the brightest member of any group, "…and that time when you and Commander Tucker…"

"No-oo." Bitten and I say it together. "Just the other two.(3)"

"But I heard…" There is the sound of a hand being clapped over someone's mouth and the facts of life(4) explained. "Oh."

"Right. So… now, we could all be court-martialled for this, so anybody who wants out can leave right now." Significantly, nobody moves. Honestly, I didn't expect them to – after all, we _do_ have precedent on our side. At the same time, just because nobody's pressed charges before doesn't mean they won't in the future. After all, the last two times it was the senior officers that mutinied (i.e. Captain Archer's and my mutual friend), but _this_ time, it's me. Have I mentioned that Captain Archer hates me? My only hope is that he hates mind controlling aliens more. Fortunately, I've always been a fan of faint-hope clauses. I just pray they're still a fan of me.

Lest anyone think otherwise, this wasn't an easy decision for me. For one thing, I've been raised to take the chain of command thing seriously. I really _do_ respect authority. But when said authority is needlessly risking the safety of those for whom they are responsible, action does need to be taken. I spent hours looking over every order, document and decision I could get hold of, just to try to prove to myself that the actions of our senior officers were – in actual fact – not needless. I almost had myself convinced, before an unsettling encounter with Captain Archer this morning.(5)

"We trust you, Lieutenant." At that, McDale proves to be considerably more naïve than your average armoury officer. "We know you'll end up taking the blame for everything." On the other hand, he has a point there. When we get the real Captain Archer back, he probably _will _blame me for everything. He always does, even when I've got nothing to do with it.(6) Then McDale goes on to prove that he – unlike Crewman Pierce – is well aware of how things really work around here. "I took the initiative of checking the armoury logs – Lieutenant Reed has been more paranoid than normal, so that worried me…" It should, because Malcolm is normally paranoid – any worse and we'd have to wrap him up tight in a pretty little white jacket and keep him nice, happy, sleepy. "… so I thought something might be going on." He coughs. "That was yesterday… he caught me and threw me off duty. Which would have been okay, but today he _apologised_ to me… said it was nothing."

"But…" Again, Pierce asserts her newbie status.

"Lieutenant Reed does not apologise." Ensign Marek pipes up from the corner. "He'd rather have people think he was an inconsistent son-of-a-bitch than appear weak by saying sorry. And you missed the best part, Dev. You now need command clearance to access _any_ weapon."

"Are you saying they're expecting something?" McDale is right to be concerned. Mutinies succeed or fail on the surprise factor. Especially when you consider that we have to contend with heavily armed MACOs, members of that force not being as versed in the arena of 'questioning orders.' I understand the theory: when you're sending people off to die, it's not conducive to have them considering the matter. Starfleet, on the other hand – as Captain Archer and the Admiralty keep insisting – is _not_ military. We question orders all the time.(7)

"Maybe." Marek shrugs. "Who can say?"

"That's not the best part." Yeoman Harris moves towards the front so everyone can see him. "The _best_ part is that Captain Archer isn't giving the orders anymore. Commander T'Pol is."

The room falls silent as no one dares to breathe. Commander T'Pol in charge is our second-worst nightmare.(8) "Are you certain of this, Yeoman?" If it _is_ the case, then we _do_ have grounds for our actions. We can simply argue that we are a _counter_-mutiny force, and our aim is to overthrow Commander T'Pol and restore Captain Archer to his proper authority.

"As sure as I can be," he confirms. "I don't think this ship is in Starfleet hands anymore."

"Well, then, it's our job to get it back." Bitten pounds on the table (okay, a wall panel laid across two sawhorses to give us a podium for a proper meeting). "Because we are the best and brightest that Starfleet has to offer and _we_ will defend the proud name of Starfleet to our dying breaths!"

"Someday I'm going to have to remind you that rousing rhetoric does not include telling people they're liable to die," I mutter. "All right then. All those in favour, please do not raise your hands. All those opposed can leave now, and we will take down your names and have you watched."

Again, nobody makes a move. But that's the _other_ trick to a successful mutiny: always handpick loyal mutineers.

* * *

(1) Well, some of us do. But only if we're actually in on it.

(2) My first-most-trusted isn't here. Besides, I don't know if I can trust him.

(3) At no time, ever, did the _Enterprise_ crew form a union and hold any sort of job action. For more non-information on these non-events, see _The Non-Existent Enterprise General Strike_. Which, of course, did not happen.

(4) Such as: when the man who can have you arrested says something 'did not happen,' it's a good idea not to keep bringing it up.

(5) He was extremely nice, polite, and interested in what I had to say. Given that the last time he did that I ended severely wounding Malcolm which set of a chain of events that nearly destroyed the entire ship, we've been careful to stay on the side of mere civility. Any foray into 'I see you as a valuable member of the crew' territory on his part, is serious cause for concern.

(6) Though, to be fair to the man, there are very few times when I've got _nothing_ to do with it.

(7) Of course the answer I usually get is: 'because I said so, and if you don't, I'm going to drop you headfirst down an airshaft.' The Boy knows better than to actually argue with me.

(8) The first, of course, being if Malcolm took charge.


End file.
